Trying To Get Politicians To Listen.

Hola mi amigos.
I thought you may be interested in a letter I sent to one of the Redcliffe by-elections' candidates, Mr Len Thomas - Independent For Redcliffe. Here goes -

Hello Len. I must say that after reading the views of the various candidates, I was in agreement with yours the most. Which, I must say, surprised me. (I won't explain that).
I have one major issue at the moment, which most people seem to be glossing over. VLAD. If it were as simple as just repealing them it would be easy. But it's not. The expensive smear campaign against bikers, instigated by the Newman Government, has Redcliffe citizens jumping at ghosts. They can say in the media that VLAD is used to get rid of dangerous gangs, but the truth of the matter is that most people can't tell the difference between one biker and the next. So far, since the campaign started, I have been spat at by passing motorists, almost run off the road on five different occasions, have had abuse yelled at me by pedestrians and car drivers as well as being given the finger a lot. Now, you might say that those are ok stats for an area the size of Brisbane, unfortunately they all happened between North Lakes and Redcliffe.
I am a 49yo Ulysses member who obeys the road laws, and I am tired of being treated like pond scum by members of my own community who have taken it upon themselves to ostracize me because I ride a motorcycle.
The damage to bikers reputations is irreparable. It doesn't even seem to matter that hundreds of us go on charity drives every month. Donating our time and money to disadvantaged individuals and community projects. Positive public awareness of who we are and what we do needs to be stepped up. Please help stop this vicious discrimination. 

We are bikers. Help us, as we have helped many of you. 

Sincerely, Guy.

And his reply -

Hello Guy, I feel your pain. When elected, I will fight beside Peter Wellington to have the laws written and enforced fairly. Further, I will work to have the reputations of all bikers restored. Criminals should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Innocent people should be protected by the law. That is the Australian way. That is justice. That is what I believe in and will fight for.

Not really the sort of reply I was after, but it's a start. At least I may have made an impression on this one.
Time will tell. (B.T.W. Len is an ex copper. That's why I was surprised)

Hasta Mañana. Dr Smiley.

Vote 1 - Freedom From Tyranny.

Hello fellow plebeians.

We have a crisis in Queensland. No, it's not water shortages or bush fires or anything quite so mundane. This is a man made crisis, and I do mean MAN. One man in particular, Campbell Newman. While many know him as The Queensland Premier, I know him simply as, that conservative bastard with a Napoleon complex. Yes, you read it correctly. Many may think I am merely a citizen with a gripe. A left wing prick with nothing better to do than sit around and bitch about the rightfully elected representatives of our state. Yes, in many respects you may be right. What you may not know about me is that I am a BIKER. I am a tattooed, beard wearing, foul mouthed, loud motorcycle riding, wanker. 

This is me.

I think I heard a few brains shut down just now. For those that didn't go off to watch people embarrass themselves on YouTube, I will finish my story. Yes, I am those things. I can even be a total wanker at times. Can't we all? I am also a lot more than that. I am a concerned member of my community. I involve myself in what matters to my neighbors, like looking after their pets while they are on holiday and community watch. (The man 2 doors up said to me recently that crime in our little area is non-existent since I moved here). I participate in charity events. I also worry about what affects all our lives here. Which is ultimately why I first started paying attention to politics. I looked outside myself, really looked closely at my neighborhood. What I saw surprised me.

I live in, what can only be described as a working class, blue collar area. People here are poor, really poor. Many people had to sell their houses cheaply, just to pay off the mortgage that was slowly strangling them. Now, some actually rent the same house from the investor (who earns a 15-20% return) that bought it from them. That is truly sad. If they are lucky, one person in the house has a good job. Even so, with an average 2 adults and 3 children they are struggling just to keep their heads above water. Electricity, rent, food, clothing and petrol prices are all skyrocketing, while wages stay relatively stagnant. They are without hope of a better life and merely go through the motions day after day. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It is utterly disheartening.

I then looked at our supposed community leaders. People who don't even live here, don't talk to the locals except in a superficial way. They have no idea what it means to live amongst this constant heart-wrenching depression. To be our elected Government representative means, owning your own business, sending your kids to a private school, living in an affluent area, driving a new car and owning your own home. These people are mentally incapable of understanding what it is like to be down and out, so how the hell are they able to represent us? I took it upon myself to have a chat with them, to try and educate them a little. It did not work. I actually think they were amused by me. At least that was the impression I got from them. Suffice to say nothing has changed around here apart from becoming worse. People are losing their jobs. The cost of living is going up and the public is growing very angry.

Which, of course brings me (finally) to Campbell Newman. This man simply doesn't care about ordinary people. He never sees them so they don't exist. He lives in an ivory tower, completely divorced from the concerns of everyday Queenslanders. He is not out of touch, no. Because you can't touch something that doesn't exist. He lives in a world where raiding the kids' money box to buy food doesn't happen. But, where fine dining, sunset cruises, Saturday theatre and a Sunday golf game with the Attorney General, are the norm. How can this man say, in all honesty, that he represents the people? It's just not true. He is the duly elected Premier, that is true. Unfortunately he was elected on a platform built of lies and deceit. Here is where many would provide evidence to support their words. I, on the other hand will simply say. Take my word for it. I do not lie, not now, nor will I ever. I used to, when I was a kid. Many of us did. Suffice to say that I learned the truth to be a far more powerful weapon when dealing with people. Most people don't like the truth, it can be painful. If you're still skeptical, which you're entitled to be, go look the facts up for yourself like I did. Don't be so fucking lazy.

This is Mr Newman.

(I am way more attractive)

I really don't know how to finish this tirade off, except to say.... Campbell Newman and all his cohorts are misleading you. They are taking your hard earned tax dollars and pissing them away. Where is the promised drop in the cost of living? What is this enormous expenditure of public money called the VLAD laws? Why don't those promised 200 jobs per day start appearing? What is a conveyancing lawyer doing holding the position of Attorney General? Why, why, why, what, what, what? You sir, are an incompetent buffoon, masquerading as a Government Official. You're personal agendas have no business here. You are put there to serve OUR needs, NOT your own, not your partys' and most certainly not your twisted view of what is right. Resign while you still have a shred of humanity left, or is too late for that?

The people are angry Campbell. The people are coming Campbell. You've squandered our patience. Your time is over!

If you are like me, if you care about Queensland, be at Emma Miller Place in Brisbane CBD, on 26th January 2014, at 11am. (at the intersection of Roma, Albert and Turbot Sts).

See you there. Guy.

The Australian Spin

Hello again.

I have a bee under my hat and it's name is bullshit.

Let me now clarify. I really, really, really hate it, when unskilled people try to spin crap. What makes it worse is when the general public believes that crap. Without trying to sound big-headed, I am a very good spin doctor and can smell when someone is spinning garbage (called "Spin Spotting"). I myself, never lie when putting a good spin on something that would normally be seen as bad. It's not good policy to lie, because invariably, someone will catch you out. So don't. If you absolutely must, make it very small and easily hidden. Every day now, I seem to be bombarded with bad or non-existent spin doctoring. Everything from Politicians and public servants to companies and private individuals. Everyone seems to be writing their own lines, and they stink.

SPIN ME A RAINBOW
Now. Spinning a yarn (as we say here in Australia) is as old as the hills. Some are good at it and some suck. The mark of a really good yarn is to keep as much truth in it as possible. Keep your embellishments small. Really small. That way, if someone picks on a particular point you can usually step around the spin and direct the focus onto the truth. But what is a Spin Doctor? Well. A spin doctor is a type of PR agent. Most PR agents though, are terrible at spin, and most spinners are terrible at true PR. If you can find someone who can do both and do them well, you have a real jewel on your hands. Most people link spin doctors to Politicians, but the truth of the matter is that most politicians are egomaniac lawyers and think they can handle their own spin. It's just not true, no matter how much they lie to themselves. Some don't even have a PR rep, which is just plain stupid. A lot of good spinners are tied to companies, major corporations and the like. They handle anything from stockholders meetings to the latest oil spill. Big tobacco had many good spinners, but almost all have left that sinking ship. Spinners now play a bigger role in marketing and advertising than ever before. The ability to write good copy is an aspect of spin.

There are various types of spin or techniques that you can use. They are -

• Using a particular phrasing that assumes unproven truths
• The non-denial denial or non-apology apology
• The delay (just don't wait too long)
• You can avoid the question completely or bury the bad news (not good methods)
• Claim that mistakes were made (the pity factor sometimes works)
• Use misdirection and/or diversion (useful for illusionists)
• And finally, cherry picking (only the good ones)

There are various ways to spin a yarn but I will start with my favorites. 'Cherry Picking' - It's just picking the best pieces of a story and leaving the rest. Simple. Not really useful on it's own but when incorporated with say, 'Misdirection', it becomes very sneaky. So you get "Sadly, look at what the opposition are doing. Oh! Here's a balloon! isn't that pretty?". See what I mean? 'The Delay' is useful if you know you have some good news coming up that will overshadow the bad news when you release them at the same time. Also if you have a balls-up too big to completely cover, you could use the 'Mistakes Were Made' ploy. If it's seen that you are being honest, even if it's only a small bit of earnestness, you can sometimes generate pity which can be stored like money in the bank. I think you know enough about technique, let's move on.

POLITICAL SPIN
One thing I don't agree with is the use of Spin Doctors to create smear campaigns. I feel sullied by it. In the last election, the LNP spinners went nuts with it. I saw right through it all, but was constantly amazed at the way the general public lapped it up like an obedient mutt. On the other side, I watched the ALP spinners floundering in a vast sea of muck which eventually went right over their collective heads and drowned the lot of them.
Something I was told in marketing at college, the very first thing actually, was never shitcan the opposition. You should always open with "They're good, but WE are a gazillion times better." That should always be your starting point whenever you begin a campaign. If, however, your opponent opens with "They suck the blood from small children and kidnap old people forcing them into labor camps", all bets are off and you can start writing a campaign that will make people too scared to go with the other camp.

SCARY SPIN
Fear. A powerful weapon in a spin doctors hands. It can be used in many ways, but I warn you now, karma will bite you on the arse if you use it unwisely. Fear was employed in the last Australian Federal Election, it was not used well or intelligently. Oh yes, it achieved it's goal of getting LNP into power, but in the long term you just can't sustain the fear. When that happens, people eventually look under the bed and discover that there was no boogy man after all. Then you're in trouble. If you can't devise a way to move from the fear to a positive response seamlessly, you are fucked. In the end, people will resent the fact that you made them afraid of nothing and will lynch you at the next opportunity. So. I say again. Use fear wisely, use it sparingly, and above all, use it intelligently.

I'm all typed out for now. I may come back to this subject at a later time. But then again, I may not. If you want to be a spin doctor, I say good luck to you. It's a minefield out there, one wrong step and KABLAM your career is over and you'll be flipping burgers at Macca's. To all you smiling shit-eaters out there I say, keep smiling.
But don't forget to clean your teeth!

Who loves ya' baby?
Dr Guy.

Can you help me write up my ideas?

Picture the scene: I open an email, supposedly forwarded through professional circles. Imagine my surprise when upon perusal of said email, I find that it's from a nobody who wants to break into film and television as a creator. The gist of it was this; "I have lots of ideas that I want to put into script format. I have no writing skills. I cannot even spell PROPLY. I cannot pay you anything but, when the films are produced you may have a percentage. Yours sincerely, Com Plete Moron."

Now, can anyone tell me what is wrong with this picture? Hmmm? It never ceases to amaze me that some people can be so blatantly stupid. I have so many great ideas of my own that will probably never be produced, and here's some random wanker wanting me to spend weeks writing his up for free.

Add to all this the added insult from the person who forwarded the email to me with the message "Thought this might be up your street". I rang them thinking it was a joke. Apparently not. They were serious, and so with a hearty "FUCK YOU TOO", I hung up and deleted them from my world.

I did email the guy who wanted free script writing services, and suggested a couple of creative writing courses in his area. Also the book 'Creative Writing for Dummies' is a good standby. I don't mean to be insulting but facts is facts. If you can't write, go back to school.

It brings to mind a screenplay I wrote some eight years ago. During its six year development it went through six drafts, three final edits, a professional script adviser who recommended even more changes to scenes and plot. After all that it was finally REJECTED by the producer as "not his sort of film".

So. If anyone asks you to "help me write up my ideas for free". You may use my standard response and reply "Go To Hell!"

Sayonara, Suckers.